All I wanted was a car wash.
I stopped at one of our local Shell stations to fill up with gas. While pumping my gas, I really *looked* at my car and realized that the poop birds which had moved into our neighborhood (those nasty birds you see in parking lots that do nothing but make noise, eat, and poop) had decorated my car beautifully. I decided to spring for the super- mega-ultra-incredibly-expensive-but-doesn't-get-your-car-completely-clean -but-that's-okay-because-I'm-a-lazy-bum-and-don't-want-to-get-out-of-my-car-and-actually-do-it-myself-and-because-I-really-have-to-pee-and-it's-cold gas station car wash.
A mouthful, to be sure.
I took my little code from the kiosk, and drove my car around to get in line.
There was already a car in the car wash and a brand new black Dodge Challenger in line in front of me. I opened up Facebook and prepared to entertain myself.
I don't know how much time had passed, but eventually I grew bored with Facebook-stalking other people, and looked up. I guess it had been a decent chunk of time, because the guy in the Challenger now had his window rolled down and was beating his hands on the steering wheel. I looked in front of him to the lady in the car wash.
She was going forward and then backing up. Going forward. Backing up. Going forward. Apparently, she thought she had bought the awesome car wash I had which includes a touchless dry. She kept trying to engage the dryer and the dryer was not feeling the love.
I rolled down my window and shouted to Challenger Dude, "What's she doing?"
He screamed back, "I don't know. She's an idiot."
Alllll righty, then.
Another 5 minutes passed, and Challenger Dude honked his horn. She waved to him with one finger and pulled around to the front of the gas station. He pulled into the car wash; I pulled up to the car wash screen and watched the Idiot Lady go into the gas station. She came back with cash in her hand.
A hearse pulled up behind me. Two black limos behind him. I guess the local funeral home thought today was a good day to wash their stock as well.
Meanwhile, in front of me, Challenger Dude, was zipping through his undercarriage wash and went too far for the presoak. There was a flash of reverse lights as he jockeyed into position and then a torrent of pink foam. The car wash shifted to cleaning mode and let loose tons of blue and purple foam to REALLY clean the car. And then it ground to a halt.
Nothing.
Five minutes passed.
I started looking up car washes on The Googles. Were we at #7458 or #3765? Why don't these addresses include things like "beside Braum's"? It would make life so much easier.
Ten minutes passed. Surely, there would be alarms going off in the station to let them know that someone was trapped. Right? Surely.
I couldn't back out. I couldn't go forward. Should I abandon my car and go into the station? What if I do and then it starts working and he finishes while I'm in the station? Then I'll be holding everyone else up and I'll look like the idiot.
Another five minutes passed and the largest, angriest man in coveralls I have ever seen, emerged from the store. He stomped to the car wash. Through my open window, I could hear him talking about "dumbasses."
Large Angry Man went to a control panel and fiddled with this and angrily punched buttons on that. Then he went to the front of the Challenger and stomped down the two thingies that hold your car in place. He tapped on the foam covered window and told Challenger Dude to pull his pink, purple, and blue foamy car around to the front and get a refund.
Then Large Angry Man stalked over to me.
"Can you not be a dumbass?"
"Ummm. I think so."
"I want you to pull in to the car wash and stop when I tell you to."
"Will it work?"
He gave me the look to end all looks. I could feel a tiny piece of my soul die.
"Don't be a dumbass and it will be fine. Those people backed up. Don't back up. When I tell you to stop, stop. You understand?"
Yes, Sir, Mr. Large Angry Man. Whatever. You. Say. Sir.
I started to creep forward.
"Roll up your fool window."
"I know! I'm not an idiot!"
And The LOOK came out again.
I inched my way through the undercarriage wash.
"STOP!" Large Angry Man screamed.
I stopped.
Pink foam began to rain down on the car. Large Angry Man stormed away.
Blue and purple foam began to fall from the heavens.
And then nothing.
Are. You. Stinkin'. Kidding. Me?
Five minutes.
Ten minutes.
Fifteen minutes.
The car began to get hot in the windowless, concrete prison we were in. I turned it off.
I began to get hot. Should I risk rolling down the windows? What if it started suddenly? Would I have enough time to roll up the window before I drowned in a sea of Care Bear-colored foam?
And, Sweet Baby Jesus being rocked in a hay manger bassinet by a celestial choir, please let my bladder hold my pee a little longer.
I was trapped. I felt like a member of the Donner Party, but without the company and the cold and the hunger and the survivor guilt.
Okay, I felt nothing like them. I just had to pee, dangit. Really, really, REALLY bad.
I snapped a picture and posted it to Facebook.
Six more minutes passed.
I risked rolling down my window to shout at the hearse behind me.
"Does Large Angry Man know?"
"What?!?"
"Does that big guy know?"
"Yes! He's working on something. Don't go anywhere."
Funny, jackass. Super funny.
Three more minutes passed.
Large Angry Man stomped back in, shot my car THE LOOK, and started punching more buttons. Then he disappeared for a while, came back and punched more buttons.
Another 17 minutes passed.
Finally, 41 minutes after I entered the car wash, Large Angry Man came by and stomped on the thingies, and told me to come around to the front to get my refund.
I drove around and parked in the same spot, Idiot Lady who was not such an idiot, and Challenger Dude, had parked. Large Angry Man started talking to the hearse, trying to convince him to go through.
"Don't do it!! It's a trap!" I shouted.
Large Angry Man shot me THE LOOK again which I was rapidly beginning to think was actually just his normal, everyday face.
The hearse pulled in.
Limo Driver shouted, "I'm not a fool" and pulled out of the line using the space the hearse had just vacated to maneuver.
As I was getting my refund, I asked where would be the closest place to wash the foam off. They directed me to another touchless car wash a couple of blocks away.
If I'd only known it was a conspiracy.......
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